Weight...

Okay, deep breath. Very sensitive subject matter for me...

I am really, really upset that I have gained so much weight over the past year, mostly it seems like in the past 6 months, and that my clothes don't fit.

I tried to express this to K last night when I was in bed crying about it, but I got frustrated because I don't think he understands how much this is affecting me. Part of that is my fault for not conveying the whole picture. But, also, he's probably been at the other end of the spectrum at points since he's so damn thin with no body fat whatsoever (no, I'm not exaggerating).

Weight has always been somewhat of an issue for me, but I've never necessarily been the "fat kid" or anything like that. I've just never really been "thin" until the past couple of years. My weight really skyrocketed though when I was in grad school because it was such a busy, stressful time full of eating fast food simply because it was fast and easy and no time to exercise. I hate seeing pictures of myself during these years.

But, once I finally graduated, I had more time and started working out at the gym obsessively during my post-doc year. I saw noticeable improvement, but the weight really started dropping off when I moved to Austin 3 years ago as I continued my gym regimen and started running. I saw sizes that I had never seen before - 8, 6, 4, and even a few 2's. I was also very rigid about what I ate at that point.

I loved going to clothing stores because I knew that clothes would fit me. These are now the clothes that are sitting in my closet that I cannot wear right now.

I'm also concerned about some of K's attitudes toward weight. He's made some disparaging comments about overweight people in the past. My mom has always struggled with her weight, and I know it was a source of tension between my parents. I can remember getting subtle messages from my dad too as a teenager that I needed to lose weight...and, again, I was never necessarily "fat" or "chubby." I was athletic!

Now, I'm here again. I'm so sad that I let this happen. I'm also scared that I'm not going to be able to lose the weight. My life is so different than it was when I did this 3-4 years ago. I love spending time with K and don't necessarily look forward to spending 2 hours at the gym when I would rather be at home with him. My eating patterns have also obviously changed with K - it's hard to eat what I used to when I need to prepare a meal for both of us or at least make sure that he has something to eat.

I got a Rogue email with nutrition info from Meredith (Terranova) this week, and thought about trying to meet with her. But, of course, that's $. And, $ is still a stressor.

And, then of course, there is how this has impacted my running. I feel so heavy and slow. I ran the 3-mile loop on the trail Sunday-Wednesday, and my cardio just sucks. 3 miles!?!?!

Okay, that was a lot for me. Deep breath again...