Beat down...

I'm exhausted. I want to go to sleep, but I can't. Too much on my mind.

I am feeling really beat down right now. Work has been overwhelming for months now. I just had my 1-year performance evaluation done by my supervisor right before we left for vacation and it was overwhelmingly positive...apparently I "exceed expectations." It's nice to get positive feedback and know that I am doing a good job, but I don't really have anyone at work to get emotional support from on a regular basis. It's not appropriate to vent to my staff, I don't know new guy well enough yet, and I don't want to appear incompetent to my supervisor. I am overwhelmed though...with no relief in sight. Whew, that feels good just to say that aloud...even if it is just to the computer.

I don't feel like I'm getting the support I need in my personal relationships either. As a psychologist, I think I naturally have the qualities of being nurturing, supportive, and caretaking. I'm very mindful of my boundaries with people in terms of how much of myself I put in vs. what I am getting back because I've definitely felt "used" by others in the past. As a result, I think sometimes this comes across as guarded to others who don't know me very well. I just don't feel like I'm getting built back up enough right now.

And, then I get really down on myself about my running (or, more accurately, the lack of it). It's been about 3 1/2 weeks since I have ran, I think. I haven't been a complete slacker this week since we got back from Cancun. I've been to the gym every night and had a really good workout each time (Monday - weights 45 minutes, Stairmaster 30 minutes, swim 20 minutes; Tuesday - weights 45 minutes, Stairmaster 45 minutes, swim 20 minutes; Wednesday - weights 45 minutes, Stairmaster 30 minutes, swim 30 minutes).

I just feel so wiped out in every sense.